Our Story, Part 1

Our story began in April of 2012, when I met Mark for the first time.

My life at the age of 21 was filled with a lot of anxiety, that no matter how hard I tried, I could not get rid of. This anxiety was usually associated with sadness, that was associated with a relationship I was in, it was an on again, off again relationship that had started healthy, and took a turn for the worst. the instability of it, wasn't something I could handle, and I wasn't coping well. That's where I was at in life at this time. 

So unsurprisingly, the night I met Mark was not one of my best. 

My best friend, Leah, who is now my cousin-in law, knew I was feeling down, and invited me to go to frozen yogurt with her and Ammon ( who is now her husband). Actually, I think she said I was going with her, and made me get dressed cute. Ammon had just started hanging out with Mark again ( Mark and Ammon are cousins) and he had invited him to come to frozen yogurt too. 

    Not knowing that I was being conned into going on a date, I decided ( was made)  to go with them, instead of sitting home being anxious and sad. 

My first impressions of Mark were not the best. I won't lie, I wasn't interested in the slightest, I was reserved, scared to give him the wrong impression, and I thought he looked really troubled. He was putting off some sort of vibes that I didn't like, and he was quiet and didn't talk much. He also looked kind of ill ( come to find out he had just gotten over pneumonia) . He did pay for my frozen yogurt though, and he was polite and nice to me. Beyond this one interaction, I didn't see him again for at least a month.
I knew that he was going through a rough time, since Leah and me were roommates, and I found out he had a troubled past, and was overcoming some things in his life that were not good for him. He practically was starting over, making new friends and trying to make good decisions. He started going to church with Ammon, and Leah, and Eventually him and Ammon moved into our apartment complex at Centennial. 

As time passed, I decided I needed to try to  branch out more and make more guy friends. Since I knew that Mark was trying to make good changes in his life, and needed good influences and friends, I thought it wouldn't hurt if I hung out with him on occasion. We were both going through difficult things, which were very different, but each of us could relate to in one way or another. The times that I hung out with Mark on my own, were pretty far and few in between, but we talked about things that mattered, which is usually the good foundations of true friendships. You have to be able to be open and honest with another person to have a friendship last.

We were friends, and that's where our relationship remained for many months.

    It was around October, when I had ended things for the 15th time with my then Boyfriend, that I hung out with Mark. I had gotten into a car crash, and needed help getting around to look for a new car. I asked if he would want to take me car shopping, which he willingly agreed to. He ended up helping me find a Halloween costume too, and then he paid for my lunch. It was all innocent, and I realized once I got home how fun it was. Something else I had noticed, that I went home and told Leah, was that I couldn't believe how patient he had been with me. I didn't realize at the time, just how patient he was. 

But nothing came of it. I left it at that. I was still pretty attached to my previous relationship, and hadn't or wouldn't let go. I still had hope that things would workout. If I had been in my right mind, or a little older, I probably would have walked away months earlier. Of course I didn't. I couldn't, wouldn't, I don't know. Maybe I was mental? Addicted? in love? I'm not sure, but the relationship came to a hard end with a loud thud, and if you had listened intently enough, you probably would have heard the sound of breaking glass. Because that is what it felt like.

I was a mess. I had done things I couldn't take back, and made wrongs that at the time I couldn't right. I wasn't even myself. Although, the wrongs went both ways in a big way. I was extremely hard on myself. I take my friendships with people pretty seriously, so it was pretty devastating.

I felt like this...

Looking back now, I realize I was a shell of who I am. I was a pretender, I wasn't true to myself, and I wasn't secure in myself, or self worth. If it doesn't workout, it is because it is broken. Move on, and don't look back.Well that is exactly what I did. It wasn't easy, it wasn't simple, it took months and it took a lot of time being angry to truly heal that wound. I would say this is an important part of understanding love. It was my first heart break, and the sting of it lasted for a very long time. 

 

However, I believe that to learn, and make better decisions, and get to where we need to be, we have to go through trials. I'm grateful for that trial, because although it was hard, I learned and grew as a person, and I was able to start a new chapter in my life.

One day I was sitting in church, next to Mark and I noticed for the first time how adorably good looking he is. People had told me that he was "hot" and I didn't see it, they had said "why don't you date him?" ( because rumor has it he was pretty into me) but I didn't have any interest in it. Well that day it hit me, and I was kind of excited about that,  I remember thinking how had I not noticed this before?

We started to talk more, and I opened up to him about everything that had happened, all the guilt and pain came flooding out of me. I felt unworthy of being loved. I had regrets and fears etc etc. Mark had been there for me before, we had been friends for  8 months and he had heard part of my story from either me or Ammon and Leah about how sad I was, and about this relationship I had been involved in. He was a very good listener, and gave me really good advice. He also tried to cheer me up by making me get out of the house.

One night, he pretty much came over and made me go to a movie with him. We were supposed to meet up with Ammon and Leah, but the movie had already started, so we bailed, and decided to go to see planet of the Apes instead, which started an hour later. we had  a lot of fun that night, and we talked. A LOT. This was the beginning of what sparked into a beautiful relationship.

I used to believe in love at first sight, I used to think that i'd meet the man i'd want to Mary and I would know right away because of that instant spark, but that's not how my love story began with Mark. It started slower than a snails pace, and I didn't even know it had begun. I didn't meet him and know, I wasn't even thinking about dating him to be honest. We were both in the wrong places when we met each other, both heart broken messes working through hard things, and trying to find our way back to who we knew we were. We both had a lot to change and learn in those 8 months that we were just friends. Oh how everything works out :) where he was 8 Months after I met him, when I needed him the most was exactly where he needed to be in life, and where I was in life, although I was Sad, was where I needed to be too. It's funny how that worked out, and i'm so happy that it did.