Confessions that really don't matter.
I'm sitting here, drinking luke warm, weak coffee, neither being my favorite combination, but comforting still, as that's become my morning routine these past couple of years since getting married. It's not that I can't live without my daily cup, it's that I enjoy the routine of it so much and the culture behind a good cup of coffee.
there is this kind of unsaid appreciation for a good cup of Jo that coffee drinkers have. There is an essence of hippsterness, and rebellion mixed in one when you walk into a coffee shop for the first time as a freshly non Mormon living in Utah.
That mentality that you are doing something just a little bit on the edge, only to look back and realize that in all actuality, you weren't doing anything at all. In all reality, my cup of coffee every morning is far better for me than drinking a single soda a day. In most cases, people drink soda a lot more than just once a day. Soda is terrible for you, and has no health benefits scientifically proven.
If you believe in science I guess that makes sense.
Same with Tea's. If i'm feeling sick, I like to drink tea, and it really does make a difference. It is a good immune system booster, and usually makes me feel better.
I used to worry about drinking coffee, and judge others for doing so, this was before I decided to not worry about the church. The funny thing was that I wasn't living my life authentically, and was judging people for their coffee consumption, yet I was doing things that in general were just immoral, and particularly immoral in the face of the church.
I was a walking hypocrite, but because I repented then I was better. It just doesn't make sense.
Same with drinking alcohol. Heaven forbid you ever do. I would have been secretly judging you for how immoral you were. God doesn't want us poisoning our bodies with that crap, and that's probably the truth, because unlike coffee alcohol really doesn't have any health benefits.
however, I feel that many people fall into the lie that you can't control your thoughts or actions while you're drinking, when in reality, if done at the age of 21 or older, it only acts as a social lubricant. It's not smart to drink and drive, it's not smart to drink excessively, but you are fully capable of making choices while intoxicated, and if during the times you drink, you drink so much you don't know what you are doing, then you really shouldn't be drinking. I guess that's where the gamut runs, right? what about the natural born alcoholics? I get that, yet it doesn't mean I agree that people who drink will develop a drinking problem and ruin their lives. In fact from my experience, I would say most people don't drink to excess because they don't like to feel that out of control.
It's unfortunate for those who don't have control though, which is why I am leery of it still, but I think my better understanding has helped me become less judgmental.
I've decided that guilt comes from leading a half assed version of a life you have committed to, because sense leaving the church I have felt nothing but free, and I don't have guilt or anxiety anymore.
While a member of the church I always had something to feel guilty about, usually because I couldn't keep myself out of sexual mischief, and man confessing to an older man alone in a bishops office, and having people see me walk out was the worst feeling. It wasn't until years later that I realized the reason I felt so bad about the things I had done was really because the relationship I was in was jacked up, with a lack of trust, respect, or commitment. This is the cocktail of anxiety and depression that would linger around any messed up relationship. It was compounded by my constant repentance, and his constant lack of caring about me repenting, and not repenting because he didn't feel bad and I did.
Hence that relationship crashed and burned with the ferocity of a million city's going down, at least thats how my 20 year old self recalls it. But I can't blame anyone because those were still my decisions and I cognitively made them, even though at the time the "forces of love" were acting on me. Love or lust, or hormones. Anyway, Here I am feeling less judgmental than I've ever been, but also a little more tough around the edges, because now society knows my transgressions, and what a sinner I've been, yet I don't feel the guilt and burden and sadness that they do.
I have figured out that god has bigger things to worry about than my coffee consumption, and I believe me and him are doing pretty well these days together. I think it comes down to living authentically, which is a beautiful thing to do, and you should try it if you haven't been. Authenticity is a beautiful thing, and it draws people to you, not that i'm some human magnet or anything, I just want to live happy, and I feel I've found that outside of the Mormon church.
there is this kind of unsaid appreciation for a good cup of Jo that coffee drinkers have. There is an essence of hippsterness, and rebellion mixed in one when you walk into a coffee shop for the first time as a freshly non Mormon living in Utah.
That mentality that you are doing something just a little bit on the edge, only to look back and realize that in all actuality, you weren't doing anything at all. In all reality, my cup of coffee every morning is far better for me than drinking a single soda a day. In most cases, people drink soda a lot more than just once a day. Soda is terrible for you, and has no health benefits scientifically proven.
If you believe in science I guess that makes sense.
Same with Tea's. If i'm feeling sick, I like to drink tea, and it really does make a difference. It is a good immune system booster, and usually makes me feel better.
I used to worry about drinking coffee, and judge others for doing so, this was before I decided to not worry about the church. The funny thing was that I wasn't living my life authentically, and was judging people for their coffee consumption, yet I was doing things that in general were just immoral, and particularly immoral in the face of the church.
I was a walking hypocrite, but because I repented then I was better. It just doesn't make sense.
Same with drinking alcohol. Heaven forbid you ever do. I would have been secretly judging you for how immoral you were. God doesn't want us poisoning our bodies with that crap, and that's probably the truth, because unlike coffee alcohol really doesn't have any health benefits.
however, I feel that many people fall into the lie that you can't control your thoughts or actions while you're drinking, when in reality, if done at the age of 21 or older, it only acts as a social lubricant. It's not smart to drink and drive, it's not smart to drink excessively, but you are fully capable of making choices while intoxicated, and if during the times you drink, you drink so much you don't know what you are doing, then you really shouldn't be drinking. I guess that's where the gamut runs, right? what about the natural born alcoholics? I get that, yet it doesn't mean I agree that people who drink will develop a drinking problem and ruin their lives. In fact from my experience, I would say most people don't drink to excess because they don't like to feel that out of control.
It's unfortunate for those who don't have control though, which is why I am leery of it still, but I think my better understanding has helped me become less judgmental.
I've decided that guilt comes from leading a half assed version of a life you have committed to, because sense leaving the church I have felt nothing but free, and I don't have guilt or anxiety anymore.
While a member of the church I always had something to feel guilty about, usually because I couldn't keep myself out of sexual mischief, and man confessing to an older man alone in a bishops office, and having people see me walk out was the worst feeling. It wasn't until years later that I realized the reason I felt so bad about the things I had done was really because the relationship I was in was jacked up, with a lack of trust, respect, or commitment. This is the cocktail of anxiety and depression that would linger around any messed up relationship. It was compounded by my constant repentance, and his constant lack of caring about me repenting, and not repenting because he didn't feel bad and I did.
Hence that relationship crashed and burned with the ferocity of a million city's going down, at least thats how my 20 year old self recalls it. But I can't blame anyone because those were still my decisions and I cognitively made them, even though at the time the "forces of love" were acting on me. Love or lust, or hormones. Anyway, Here I am feeling less judgmental than I've ever been, but also a little more tough around the edges, because now society knows my transgressions, and what a sinner I've been, yet I don't feel the guilt and burden and sadness that they do.
I have figured out that god has bigger things to worry about than my coffee consumption, and I believe me and him are doing pretty well these days together. I think it comes down to living authentically, which is a beautiful thing to do, and you should try it if you haven't been. Authenticity is a beautiful thing, and it draws people to you, not that i'm some human magnet or anything, I just want to live happy, and I feel I've found that outside of the Mormon church.
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